old

i'm having a crisis. i realized i am old. here are some of the current events that brought me to this conclusion.

• pre-wedding, i was mostly friends with people my own age and younger. post-wedding, i find myself surrounded with people my age and older. all of p's friends are older. the conversations are different, the cultural references are different. conversations are typically more substantive, which is a good thing, imo. but i sometimes miss the drama and passion of the younger crowd.
• my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. i actually had this conversation in my mind: "can that be right? 40 years? but how long did they wait until i was born?" and suddenly i realized: I'M PUSHING 40. no flipping way. i don't usually get hung up on numbers, but "pushing 40" has such a negative connotation. plus, i don't feel as old as 40 sounds. i don't feel as old as other people who are 40 look. if that makes any sense. but just because i don't feel it, doesn't mean i don't look it. hence, another panic attack: do i look that old? i don't know. i try not to focus on looks -- how i look or how other people look, because what is important is who we are, the inside stuff that takes some time to discover. and yet, this is all part of what i am going through at the moment.
• school. i was definitely one of the older students when i was at MCC the first time around. i admittedly took the scenic route through higher education. but now, now i'm as old as the parents of my fellow students. i'm an old geezer on campus. the teachers are my peers -- not the daunting authority figures they once seemed. it no longer seems like so much fun taking the scenic route. i should be beyond here by now. shouldn't i?

well, i believe that age is not so much tied to the number of years one has lived (although there are physical changes as we age) but your attitude in day-to-day living. i plan to keep learning, keep active, keep paul on his toes... and try to keep both of us "young at heart" even if we can no longer be considered young by anyone's standards.

i'm debating about coloring the greys. he thinks it is unnecessary (isn't he sweet?). but i don't know if i am ready yet for them to take over.

there is one thing in all of this that makes me happy. i always enjoyed being a single girl, but i always hoped to have someone to grow old with. i wanted to travel, so i did (i haven't made it to al 7 continents yet, but there is still time). i found a job that i enjoy. i was never crazy about having kids, so i didn't panic about not getting married young. i've had adventures, met interesting people, and stood breathless in amazing scenery. and i'm terribly thankful that, at the point in life where i'm realizing that youth is fleeting and i am aging, i do have someone to hold my hand, someone to kiss good morning, someone to grow old with.