I'm reading a book called You're Made for a God-sized Dream and it is driving me mad. And since it is a book about finding your purpose in God, and walking forward into the dream He has put in your heart, and not letting fear stop you... then this anxiety, this unease I'm feeling must be God. Right? Trying to do something, trying to point me in a direction that I was completely not expecting?
Let me tell you. My life has been turned upside-down and inside-out, or so it feels to me, in the past 2 to 3 years. We had to move for my husband to take a job. I had to give up a job that I loved. But that's ok. It had to be done. Then, in our new digs, I can't find a job. I end up taking a lesser job than what I really wanted -- not lesser pay, but I'm back working in retail again. I thought I was done with that once I got my first secretarial job. Trying to move up the ladder, you know? But not here, not now.
So, all things considered (and one of the considerations being a spousal tuition discount!), I decide to get back in college and finish a degree in accounting. And accounting requires 150 hours of college credit plus some hours worked under a CPA in order to get my CPA myself. So, one more year of college, a couple years of working and studying for the CPA exam... you can see where I'm headed. And I started reading this book about God-sized dreams, and thinking about how I'd like to use my CPA license somewhere down the road. I'm excited about this! It's hard work, but I'll get there eventually!
So, why why why!!!!! as I'm reading this book am I being poked in the eye about music. My love affair with music, that's an even longer story. Let me try to be brief. I'm not an awesome musician, but I have played for many years and spend much time practicing lessons. I like playing and I prayed as a teenager to be able to play music for the Lord someday. Since then, I have attempted to play and be involved in music in 2 churches -- and been kicked out (not once, but twice!). Now, I could take that as a human thing, that people involved in music *ministry* in churches are snobs or jackasses or something... but I don't really think so. I decided that this must be God. This isn't where He wants me. It just isn't meant to be. But He seemed more than glad to have me doing the typing and organizing and filing and stuff like that in a Christian ministry, so that the men could preach and do what they're called to do. My heart was hurt, initially, but I'm ok with this. The administrative assistant thing was good for me.
So, what now? The person who schedules the offertories at the church I currently attend has been asking me to work up something and get on the schedule. My honest reaction is sure, I can do that; but my retail job and my boat-loads of homework have been keeping me from practicing anything. Then, in addition to that, I start reading this book. Which starts possibly reviving some long-dead dreams. And then the chapter on fear. And, yes, I am freaking-out fearful. I don't know that I can do this again. Work up some music, only to be rejected and kicked out again. If that happens, I don't know if I will lose faith in my sanity or in God... but that's where I am.
The book suggested writing steps to take to achieve the dream. So, I have this:
1. Bachelor's degree in progress. Finish in 1 year.
2. Get entry-level public accounting position and study for CPA exam. 1-2 years.
3. The five-year plan would then be to find a ministry that could use me as a CPA or start my own business/ministry... details to be forthcoming.
But in the back of my head, there is this:
1. I have that book of offertories. I should make time to practice and play an offertory at church.
2. Duo with Paul on bass or banjo?
3. What if I dusted off the sax and started practicing again? What about finding an open mic night somewhere? What about finding some other people and starting a band? Where could this lead?
Maybe, in some cases, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie (or dead dogs). I think there is no shame in that. If God wants to reopen this wound, it is going to take more than just this book. Show me some Bible. Show me so that I know it is YOU and not me with this crazy dream.
No comments:
Post a Comment